Get it? Do you get it? Simon and Garfunkel? The meme song? Get it?

I had a really good heart to heart with one of my oldest friends today. We caught up and talked about things that had been going on in our lives. I realized that depression is a motherfucker. He had always been and still is someone that I look up to and admire but he’s in the thick of it. It was kind of sad and ironic but I almost felt this sort of camaraderie with him in a way. It felt like he had joined an exclusive club that nobody wants to be in and that I’ve been stuck in for years.

But I guess that’s just how depression is.

Nobody really tells you what it’s gonna be like. They don’t tell you it’s gonna fuck with the way you see things. They don’t tell you that it’s going to be this dark corner in the back of your head that slowly seeps into every aspect of your life until it consumes you. They don’t tell you that you get so used to it and it’s effects that it becomes a part of who you are. These are just the things you have to feel out and figure out about yourself until you learn how to manage it. And you can manage it; if you figure it out. You learn good time management because when you finally come out of it and the sun starts to shine and warm your soul, you know not to waste it. The countdown had began because you know that the next moment you could become catatonic again and fall back into that cold yet familiar place. Those moments in the sun are precious. You have to do as much as you can with them because you don’t know when you’ll go back into hibernation but you know it’s coming. You start making plans you know you can’t commit to. You start responding to the texts that you’ve been meaning to get to for the last week or however the fuck long it’s been. You start doing you’re laundry and cleaning the house because god knows your ass stinks. You do it and enjoy it because that time in the sun is the best you’ve felt in your entire life and you gain this clarity and perspective on your life about things and you hope that maybe things won’t go the way that they’ve always gone before.

But you know that it’s a lie. You hear the ticking of your mental clock. You’re going to fall back into it again. It embraces you in it’s shroud and things start to get hazy again. Tick. You get paranoid and things get to be jarring. Tick. At first you don’t know what’s happening and desperately try to tell people and find some sort of solace that maybe it’s just a bad day or maybe you can cheer yourself up again before it happens or that talking your way through it might change things and that something or someone will save you from this whirlpool you’ve been circling for a good while now. Tick. At first you got mad at the people who loved you because they couldn’t save you from yourself. Tick. You get mad and lash out because anger is the only way you’ve learned to express your emotions. tick. Then you get sad and start a self pity party feeling bad for yourself and everyone who has been unlucky enough to care about you. tick You wish you weren’t the way that you are and hope that they can get as far away so they don’t drown with you. tickYou learn to stop telling people about your feelings because it’s so goddamn exhausting.tick They sit there and try to help but there’s nothing they can do to fix you. tick.You get tired because you know what’s about to come so you let it was over you and wait to come out on the other side.

tick

You’re finally underwater and things are they way they’ve always been but just a little bit slower. You can move and function but you’ll sometimes forget who and what you are. You disassociate. An hour will pass by and you’ll try to forget that you have stopped existing for that amount of time. Some days you won’t get out of bed. And you don’t care that you didn’t get out of bed. You don’t care about anything and you know that you should care about it but you just can’t get yourself to do it. You stay in bed and lie there until… something. Something happens and you don’t know what but you’ll just get out of bed and have to exist for that time again. You don’t want to but it has to happen. You do what you have to but you’re not there. Not really. You’re doing all the things that you do but you’re not there. It’s not even an out of body experience because you would need a body to have an out of body experience. You’re less than that. You’re mind becomes a shadow of your body only existing to keep it alive. You float in that dark and empty space. You become that dark and empty space.

But then you snap out of it! Something has finally changed! You remember everything great about life and the wisdom that comes with those things. The sun has risen and the birds are singing.Thing feel and look better. You forget how much you loved the smell of fresh air. You take it all in as fast as you can because you’re breathing for the first time again and it feels so fucking good. You love life and you love yourself. You go easy on yourself because your feelings (or lack thereof) are valid. It’s just a part of you that you learn to manage. It’s kind of funny too. You always wished for the ability to time travel and you just did it. The journey was rough but you got to your destination in one piece. You laugh and cry and are productive with the time you’ve been blessed with. Things are looking up and you can take on the fucking world. You’re smart and funny and insightful but a flawed person. but that’s okay! Nobody’s perfect so you shouldn’t put that unrealistic expectation on yourself. You just wish that you could ignore that faint ticking, Always there, keeping time.

Hey I had a lot of fun writing this and took some artistic liberties on how I chose to write it. I’m not really sure if this is exactly how this sort of thing goes but it felt right. So I stand by it!