I’ve done a lot of people dirty and now I’m sad 😦

I guess the description says it all. I’ve done a lot of people dirty. I’ve never been the type to communicate well with other people so it makes it hard to convey my regrets to other people. Or maybe they know and don’t forgive me? That was my anxiety talking but he does have a point. OHHHHHH. Okay so my therapist pointed out this like internal monologue that I have with myself and said that sometimes my anxieties manifest themselves as another part of my brain. Idk if that makes sense and I don’t even think she said that BUT what if I like did this thing where my manifestations of anxiety are in italics :). 

After careful consideration, I have decided against it because I am too lazy and it now seems dumb. What was I writing about? Regrets? Forgiveness? Red Dead Redemption? (Good game by the way, Rockstar please sponsor me). Something along those lines.

Julia told me about her beef with the the word “should”. She says that “should” is a word that people use to impose shame and guilt on themselves and others. Like I should text people back and not run away from relationships at the first sign of trouble. She likes the phrase “would have liked to” better. I guess it’s some sort of cognitive shift that helps people get over their insecurities about their mental illnesses to get them to stop blaming themselves for the way they are. But at what point should the blame stop. Do I get to say that I would have liked to not done that thing and now I’m absolved of guilt? I would have liked to not abuse and manipulate the people that loved me so that excuses me from all of my actions. I would have liked to have been better to her whoever she is because god fucking knows there’s plenty of them. 

No. I should have been better. 

But listen to me. Wah wah wah. Blogging to process my shame and guilt as if that will change anything. (I hate that I called myself a blogger in my last rant) Talk is cheap. I don’t do anything to make things better and maybe I can’t. and that terrifies me. I know who and what I am. I know that I should be better but I’m terrified that I can’t. More than that, I’m terrified of what I do to people. I wish I wasn’t the way that I am but I can’t help it. I try so fucking hard to minimize contact with people when I can and when I can’t, keep the relationships as shallow as possible. I can’t hurt anyone anymore. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and I hope that I’m not condemned already. And if I am, is there still a way to redeem myself?

Damn this guy needs a fucking therapist not a fucking website amirite???

All in all I think I am actually making progress. I’m still a dick but I’m trying not to be. I know that doesn’t make things that I’ve done better but it helps me sleep at night. The nightmares have stopped and I think my mood is somewhat stabling? (Fingers crossed) Medication sometimes works! You know what’s kind of funny? I have always thought that I was manic depressive or had some sort of bipolar disorder but it might just be the case that I am chronically depressed and that when I’m not depressed it feels like I’m some sort of manic craze. I don’t know why that’s funny but it kind of feels like somebody told me that my name is wdojvbrekjln. Like it’s been so tied up in the way that I see myself and identify, I’m not really sure how to think about it anymore.

Ngl this one was kind of heavy guys. (lol let’s be honest I’m the only one reading this shitshow, what’s up me in the future) I’ve been trying to work through this and I think writing it down helps me process my thoughts. Idk I think I’m done for now. 

MT

P.S. Also sorry to Kim Yenya. I did not mean to call you out in that last post like that. I just used you a random insertion for some lit teacher. 🙂